The 5 Stages of Grief Explained Simply (And Why They Aren't Linear)

You’ve likely heard of the "Five Stages of Grief," introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. While they are a helpful framework, there is a major misconception about them: people think they are steps on a ladder.

In reality, grief is not a ladder; it’s a rollercoaster. You don't finish "Anger" and graduate to "Bargaining." You might feel Acceptance on Tuesday and Anger on Wednesday.

Here is a simple explanation of the stages and how they actually feel.

1. Denial

The Feeling: "This isn't happening." "They’ll call me any minute." The Purpose: Denial is nature’s way of letting in only as much grief as we can handle. It paces our feelings of grief. It helps us survive the initial shock.

2. Anger

The Feeling: "Why did this happen?" "Who is to blame?" You might be mad at the doctors, God, your family, or even the person who died. The Purpose: Anger provides structure to the nothingness of loss. It gives you something to hold onto. It is a necessary step in the healing process—be willing to feel your anger.

3. Bargaining

The Feeling: "If only I had called the doctor sooner..." "I promise to be a better person if you just wake up." The Purpose: This is a desperate attempt to regain control. We want to believe that we can change the outcome, even after the fact. It is often accompanied by guilt.

4. Depression

The Feeling: "What's the point?" "I'm too sad to do anything." The Purpose: This is not a sign of mental illness; it is the appropriate response to a great loss. It represents the emptiness we feel when we realize the person is truly gone and not coming back.

5. Acceptance

The Feeling: "I miss them, but I'm going to be okay." "This is my new reality." The Purpose: Acceptance is not about being "fine" with what happened. It’s about accepting that it did happen and learning to live with it. It is where we begin to reorganize our lives and reintegrate.

The Sixth Stage?

Some experts, like David Kessler, propose a sixth stage: Meaning. This is where we find a way to honor the loss, perhaps by helping others or creating a legacy.

Conclusion

If you feel like you are "doing grief wrong" because you are bouncing between stages, stop. You are exactly where you need to be. Grief is messy, personal, and uniquely yours.