Honest Conversations: How to Talk to Kids About Death

Our instinct as parents is to protect our children from pain. But we cannot protect them from death; it is a part of life. When a loved one dies, children need us to guide them through the confusion and sadness.

Here is how to have these difficult conversations.

1. Use Clear Language

Avoid euphemisms.

• Don't say: "Grandma went to sleep," "We lost Grandpa," or "He went on a long trip."
• Do say: "Grandma died," "His body stopped working."

Euphemisms confuse children. "Went to sleep" can make them afraid of bedtime. "Lost" implies they can be found. "Died" is final and clear.

2. Explain What "Dead" Means

For young children, explain the biology. "When someone dies, their body stops working. They don't breathe, they don't eat, and they don't feel any pain. They cannot come back."

3. Let Them Ask Questions

Kids process information in chunks. They might ask, "Is he cold?" or "When is he coming back?" Answer honestly and patiently, even if you have to repeat yourself.

4. It's Okay to Cry

You don't have to be a stone. If you cry in front of your children, you are modeling that it is okay to be sad and to express emotions. You can say, "I am crying because I miss Grandpa. It's okay to be sad."

5. Prepare Them for Funerals

If they are attending the service, explain what they will see. "People will be sad and crying. There will be a box called a casket." Let them know they can sit with you or take a break if they need to.

6. Maintain Routine

Grief is chaotic. Routine is safety. Keep bedtimes, mealtimes, and school schedules as normal as possible. This provides a secure container for their emotions.

Conclusion

Talking about death doesn't traumatize children; lying to them or leaving them in the dark does. Your honesty and presence are the best comfort you can give.